i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
