I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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