i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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