i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Randomize
