Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
