There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
