If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
