I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
