Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just invented taco cereal.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
