I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Operation Purity has been aborted
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
