we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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