The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
