I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
