Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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