I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
