i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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