The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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