Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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