the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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