at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
