I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My ass is underappreciated
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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