I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
