I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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