it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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