I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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