I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
