we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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