He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
