i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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