I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
