I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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