I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
