Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
