Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
