Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
