Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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