I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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