Don't make out with my wife yet
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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