You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
