I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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