my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
