so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
where are you?
Hypothermia
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just pee around me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
