Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
