I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
