I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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