Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
