I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
