thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
