remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
