A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
