I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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