We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
