Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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