I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
