He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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