Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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