New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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