At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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