I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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