Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
